It could be deprivation of sleep insanity, but I want an umbrella hat and also this kid.

Let’s talk about the rain, and how Godd*&mnf*&^ing useless umbrellas are.

If it’s raining, chances are it’s windy. You know what wind means? Your piece of crap umbrella is going to flip inside out. I don’t have an anger issue, but all I can think of doing is slamming my umbrella on the ground, shouting obscenities at it and praying it gets run over by a dirty double-decker bus.

This week has been absolute horrendous weather in London. Non-stop rain and wind, and everyone’s in a bad mood. On the way home the other day I was thinking there have to be better options than a flimsy, inside out umbrella. Here’s what I came up with:

1) Covering myself in a trash bag. If I could let go of the shame, I’d be totally dry.

2) Umbrella hat. This would keep my hair dry, and since it’s so small it most likely wouldn’t flip inside out. On a good day an umbrella really only keeps your top half dry anyway, so the hat is almost on par and would probably have a much higher success rate in keeping your head dry.

Coincidentally, just after I thought this I saw my friend Clay’s Facebook profile picture, and guess what he has?? An umbrella hat!

I’m passionately anti-umbrella, but not when it comes to this hat. Mom, Christmas present?

On to point number two for the day.

OK, I’m just going to come out and say I’m a terrible person and I don’t find babies cute and am pretty much completely disinterested in children because they really, really annoy me.

Have a baby? I’m not interested. If I’m smiling and saying your child is cute, it’s almost certainly a lie. Not always, but probably. Your baby, like every other baby, probably looks like a little peeled potato with eyes and a mouth. Unless you’re Adrianne, who manages to take one adorable picture after another of her baby. Look at this!

I don’t even know her, but I still read every post about her kid because she’s so dang cute.

Anyway, my point is, I want this kid because she is literally the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life:

I was randomly surfing blogs today when I found this blog, and saw this kid, and then I went on a mental spiral of self-doubt.

I’m 27, and most people would say getting divorced is walking in the opposite direction. I never thought much about having babies because I dislike them, and in any case I thought the option was always there if I ever got bored of having a fun life. Now that I’m getting old, I realize the option is not always there, and since I’m walking in the opposite direction it could be years before it’s even a realistic option should I decide to not hate kids anymore.

I saw that little girl and got worried. What if my future is me at 50, with an unused, wrinkly, dusty womb, sitting there surfing blogs about happy families with nothing more to do with myself than fondle an over-sized mug* of iced coffee while stroking one of my cats that I’ll most certainly have if I ever save enough money to buy my own place.

* That I stole borrowed from a friend because I was too cheap to buy one. Hi, Dan!

Speaking of which, living on my own, another worry!

One of my friends said the fear of dying alone and having my carcass not noticed for a week (or longer!) was not a reason to fear living on your own. Whatever. Just because he lives on his own and hasn’t yet died and been undiscovered for a week doesn’t make him some kind of authority on single living. It could totally happen. In fact, in Sex and the City Miranda talks about this and worries she’s going to die and be eaten by her cat before anyone notices. I mean, isn’t everything on Sex and the City fact? 😉

I e-mailed my also 27-year-old friend in a panic this morning and this was her reply:

“Sara, welcome to my world. I’ve felt like this for a good couple of years now. But you just have to put the feeling on one side, pretend it’s not there and just convince yourself that life will work out in the end. We still have about 7 years — it’s not much, but it’s not dire straits yet!”

Here’s to the next seven years! May it be filled with umbrella hats and happiness, whatever form that may take!

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18 thoughts on “It could be deprivation of sleep insanity, but I want an umbrella hat and also this kid.

  1. So much time left. Think about how quickly your life can change, and where you were 7 years ago! I have faith that things will turn out OK for us single, intelligent, funny, and excellent-cooking types.

    And if not, there’s always wine.

    • Thanks!

      Ah, yes. I do remember you posting about becoming friends with your wine glass and naming him 😉 I think I may take a page out of your book and invest in a big glass bud as well!

  2. OMG, so much about this post that I love and want to reply to! 🙂

    First off, I’m thinking an umbrella hat in combination with a poncho and rain boots could be the perfect solution to your rainy day woes. Not only would you stay dry, but just think of how stylish you’d be!

    Secondly, thanks for the shout out! “A little peeled potato with eyes and a mouth”? Hilarious. My favorite line though is: “I never thought much about having babies because I dislike them, and in any case I thought the option was always there if I ever got bored of having a fun life.” 🙂

    And now to the more serious stuff. I think there are a lot of women out there who feel the same way that you do: not a fan of babies. But you seem to be okay with older kids (you seemed to like your niece, for example), so perhaps you’ll adopt an older child someday, Sandra Bullock style. Or get remarried to a man with a kid who you can just see occasionally. Or who knows…maybe remarry someday in the next seven years and decide to have a baby who will eventually start to resemble an actual human being (not a peeled potato, haha) and develop a personality and grow into a little kid that you absolutely adore.

    The point of all that rambling is that you just never know! So there’s no use doubting yourself right now and putting a damper on what seems to be a fun, single, adventurous lifestyle. There’s always time for changes down the road should you decide you want them. Btw, did you finish Eat, Pray, Love? What did you think?

    P.S. Sorry for the length of that comment!!

    • Ah don’t worry, I love reading lengthy comments! 🙂

      I did finish Eat Pray Love, but haven’t really said anything because I wanted to write an actual post about it. I’m not too good with writing about emotional or serious topics. I have to be in the mood, like the day I wrote this. I was severely sleep deprived, haha. But seriously, I loved it, and there were some parts of it that I felt like I could have written myself. The only part I wasn’t too keen on was the part where she was in India. I didn’t relate to the spiritual stuff, and a lot of times I thought it was outright boring. Other than that I loved reading about her experiences with different cultures and basically just learning to become confident with herself as a person, without a man.

      • Oh, I hope you end up posting about it because I’d love to hear more! See I actually really enjoyed the India section! Not because I’m religious (at all!) or even really spiritual, but I love the idea of using yoga and meditation as a way to connect with yourself, slow down your brain and kind of center yourself. I found it all really fascinating. I’m glad you liked the book though. It’s definitely one of my favorites and I’ve been thinking about writing a post about it ever since you mentioned it a few weeks ago!

        • Maybe that’s what I need to do! I go running when I feel really stressed or anxious because it gets my energy out, and there’s nothing to do except focus on my thoughts. I’ll post on it soon, but it’s one of those things I put off because I have so many thoughts about it lol.

  3. Loved the umbrella hat!!! I say just live your life, everyone has a journey, some are with kids some are not, some are with spouses and some are not. Whatever journey life brings you just try to enjoy what you do have. I think too many of use (myself included) think so much of what we don’t have we don’t think of what all we do. Maybe, you have awesome friends that the mother who has kids wishes she had? KWIM? Anyways, if you do ever decide to like kids lol there is still time 😉 27 is far from old 🙂

  4. Y’know, worst comes to worst and you insist on ruining a fun, fabulous and enjoyable life in which you can travel, have personal freedom and do what you want with your time and money–you can always adopt. No end-cap on that one, and no man required.

    I’ll happily remain free from children forever. My coworker is due soon, and I’m already dreading the fake smile and unenthusiastic, “yeah, cute”s that I’ll have to pull out of somewhere. Because you’re right. They all look the same. Like a baby. “Isn’t my baby cute?” No, it looks like a baby. Congratulations, you have a baby. People have been popping ’em out for decades, last time I checked. And they’ve all looked a heck of a lot like that.

  5. Part of me worries about adding to the misery you expressed in the back half of this post, but while they offers a significant up kick in your sex appeal (obviously), umbrella hats are an unmitigated disaster in elemental protection. They are uncomfortable, they do nothing to keep your shoulders dry and blow off if hit by any wind gust of more than 3 mph. If you get one, use it only as an ornamental keepsake, because they are every bit as bad, if not worse, than a real umbrella.

    • You’re right. This comment did upset me. I thought it was a grand idea, and in your model photograph you look happier than I’ve ever seen you. (Except the time when you unrolled your new Coleman sleeping bag. You looked pretty darn happy in that photo).

      Thanks for ruining my life.

  6. The next seven years will fly by as quickly as the last seven. And it will bring so much (GOOD) change for you. You are amazing and so is that umbrella hat. Incredible!

  7. Pingback: Anyone want to have a baby with me? | realfunfood

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